"Learning To Be With Someone After You Just Figured Out How To Be Alone"

Thought Catalog knows me and seems to grow with me. Its been forever since I've posted. I've been so content in my new life, my new relationship. I think this article sums up the sense of growth, I feel, has occurred in my life. No matter the change, I feel slight hesitation that often ends in a lack of regret. There's fear, because there is always fear, but after what I've experienced, I know that being alone...forever is nothing to worry about and nothing to see as an inevitable end.

There is nothing like being cared about to make you start caring about yourself again.

My current status

We’re together. Or we’re not. 

Or maybe we’ll get together. 

Or maybe we’re somewhere in between. 

I like you. 

I think about you constantly.

Music Remedy: "Lonesome" by Dr. Dog

Months without writing and I return gracefully with Dr. Dog's "Lonesome." For all my lonesome souls and half-hearted lovers, this is for you. I'm back, folks. Watch out. Full force ahead.

Leave This, Read That: "Trying To Figure Out What's Important" by Ryan O'Connell

I've been gone for awhile. For good reason. My grandmother is in town. My best friend is out of town. My thoughts are still untangling themselves. I've fallen in love (twice) in the past week to people that can't, just can't. I got a job. I'm planning my life. My new house will have a closet that is organized and fresh flowers. I'm sounding crazy.

On a recent trip to Chicago, two very close friends of mine, who had not seen me in awhile approached me, "do you really have a blog called 'Alone...Forever'"? Yes, yes I do. I doubt they've had the opportunity to read any of this, because if they did, maybe they would understand what I need/want (?) them to understand.

So, leave this and read that. 'That' being a post by Ryan O'Connell on Thought Catalog, as O'Connell puts it "Share yourself with everyone and you’ll find yourself feeling connected to no one."

Music Remedy: "Pictures of You" by The Cure

A decade ago, my alone...forever friend and I (yes, we've known each other for a wonderful ten lonesome years) burned a photograph of a recent unrequited love. At the time, we probably said something cheesy to each other like, "don't worry, when we're 21 everything is going to be so much better." Today, we did the same thing. Different unrequited loves this time. We set fire to their images like sage to a new room. I don't know how much sadness got released, but I do know that looking at the image of the person I used to love and care about was (of course), heartbreaking. Who knows, maybe in another decade I'll be burning another image of another person I used to love. But, to be clear, I don't find any of this sad. The getting there, the experience and the feeling of togetherness are worth the dramatics and all the trauma that comes with heartbreak.

So, here's to looking at you.

Leave This, Read That: "How To Be Forever Alone in 8 Easy Steps" by Chelsea Fagan

"How To Be Forever Alone in 8 Easy Steps" by Chelsea Fagan.

I really don't need to write a response to this link. All I have to say is, who from Thought Catalog stumbled upon this blog and stole my mind? 

I mean...come on...

Step 6. Eschew any actual conversation for obscure blog entries, tweets, and status updates. 

Have a problem that needs to be addressed? Still have feelings for someone who used to be a big part of your life? Want to let a new prospect know that you may be interested in them? Talking to people is hard, and it might not go the way you want. It’s much better to just write something along the lines of “Some people really need to grow up,” “And if I could only stop thinking about you,” or “Where are we even going anymore?” It’s cleaner, simpler, and clearly gets the point across. Writing blogs like that are like lasers, guaranteed to shoot across the internet and into the eyes of the person you’re secretly trying to address. Just imagine when they stumble across your cryptic words, imagine the shame and urgency to respond they’ll feel when confronted with a few vague lines that may or may not have something to do with that argument that transpired a few weeks ago. It’s the internet equivalent of a cold slap in the face, and you should settle for nothing less.

YouTube Remedy: "I'm Gonna Die Alone..." from New Girl

My friend posted on her Tumblr a .gif of the above clip. As a caption she wrote that the clip was basically me every time I came to her about my love-problems. It is true. I'm very melodramatic. I've posted about this show before and maybe the clip explains why. Anyways, here's to you alone...forevers.

Music Remedy: "Love Me or Leave Me" by Nina Simone

In remembrance of Nina Simone, who passed away on April 21st, 2003. 

"Love me or leave me and let me be lonely

You won't believe me but I love you only

I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing

Night time is my time for just reminiscing

Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

There'll be no one unless that someone is you

I intended to be independently blue 

I want you love, don't wanna borrow

Have it today to give back tomorrow

Your love is my love

There's no love for nobody else

Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely

You won't believe me but I love you only

I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing

Night time is my time for just reminiscing

Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

There'll be no one unless that someone is you

I intended to be independently blue 

Say I want your love, don't wanna borrow

Have it today to give back tomorrow

Your love is my love

My love is your love

There's no love for nobody else"

I normally don't post all of the lyrics, but come on, isn't this just amazing? Watching her perform the piece might just be in itself a remedy from Nicki Minaj's "Starships." But, out of all the Nina Simone songs, this one is the one I can say proudly fits how I've been feeling the past few days. I hope the song in some way works for you and that we've all used this precious internet time to remember the lovely, Nina Simone.

Music Remedy: "Good As New" - Vacationer

Last night, I cried my eyes out seeing The Naked and Famous. When they performed "No Way" (see this post if you've already forgotten), I almost lost it. But, I didn't because being at a concert and being surrounded by people who love the same music and songs that you do is kind've amazing (minus the girl behind me who thought she had a microphone and wanted to shout all the lyrics right into my ear). Besides how amazing the concert was, I also got to see a band I've never heard of before, Vacationer. Their album, Gone is an easy listen and you can find it on Spotify! Hallelujah holla-back. Their song, "Good as New" is a song that remedies all remedies. When you finally get to that point. That point of recovery, realization and (one more 're') recognition --- take a listen to this track...it will be sure to bring you into a good-mood-state-of-being.

Loving and Ease

I don't know what to write anymore. Something will come to me, I know it. But for now, being alone and the realities that come with it, aren't so scary anymore. The people in my life seem happy and the people I love/loved seem content. And besides my own happiness, that's all that matters.

I don't think there's any cure for the lonely soul. I'm still (happily) alone...forever. Saying "I don't mind it" is stupid, love and loving are great but only when the time is right. There may not be a cure, but I do believe that there are remedies a person can do to help overcome whatever state of forgotten they may feel. At least, I've realized my own agency. I'm aware of my loneliness but I'm also aware that there's no reason to fear being alone.

As for this, I can only offer up what I know and what I've learned. As of now, I've learned that being alone...forever has allowed me to learn more about myself and who I am as a lonely human being. A good friend once recommended that when alone, not to focus on who doesn't love me, but who does. Recall the things you love and why you love them. And I think that's it. I think that's what has made this easy. I think that's why I can't write anymore, because I'm no longer infatuated with this idea of overcoming my loneliness. Instead, my heart resides elsewhere, in the million different places, things and people I chose to love.

(and here I go...)

I love everyone that I've loved. I love writing that word out. I love learning, keeping my mind stimulated and hoping. I love reading goofy and serious blogs. Listening to Radiolab when I'm alone. I love talking to my good alone...forever friend about her day and listening to her stories, whether serious or gossip-y. I love missing people and realizing their okay. I love knowing. How you are and how you've been. I enjoy dancing but don't love when people can't dance with me. I love drinking; Franzia with my parents and whiskey with my friends. I love the cities I've lived in and the places that have held me. I love the gym, my yoga pants and the Calvin Harris Pandora station I pump iron to. I love knowing I'm okay and that things may or may not work out right away. I love that I can't get enough of openly pouring my heart out over the Internet. And I'm okay with that. I'm truly okay.

Happy Sunday, folks.

Music Remedy: "Take Care" by Tom Rosenthal

"Take Care" by Tom Rosenthal.

Take care of all the lonely souls and love will hold you.


That moment. This song is for that moment.

Leave This, Read That: "The Thing About All These New TV Shows About Girls"

I read "The Thing About All These TV New TV Shows About Girls" by Caitlin Abber this morning because I'm addicted to the show "New Girl" and (sadly) Zooey Deschanel's character. I shouldn't be, because I hate everything she does. It's too quirky. Too "I'm so cool." But her character on the show is a somewhat alone...forever type...which is the main reason why I think I'm drawn to the show. She's a mirror image of how I see myself and my alone...forever friends. She has a goofy set of friends that support her through all her mistakes and mix-ups. She desperately tries to forge a connection with men, but fails. Her inherent weirdness (uniqueness?) always keeps the people around her a little bit distant, confused, and at times, curious. She tries to bring people together, make people happy, while also searching for her own fruitless connections. She always means well. Which is what all of us alone...forevers try to do.

But besides my infatuation with television shows starring girls, what I found important about this read is that Abber goes into the new era of girls on the internet. We might not think we're any different than our 12 year-old selves discovering internet for the first time but in 2012 girls are quite different than they were in the early 2000s. There's no Xanga or Myspace, just girls using social media outlets as...well...outlets. Girls who blog. Girls who Tumblr. Pintrest. Tweet. Facebook-status- update. Girls who let you know what it's like to be uniquely themselves. Girls who argue. Who cry. Who let you know when they're happy. Who let you know when they're sad, brokenhearted or angry. I always hear my friends complaining "so-and-so is TMI on the Twitter." And as much as I want to agree, I know I'm right there with them. But...who cares. If I'm unfortunate enough to not see you everyday, I'd like you to know that sometimes things are not all right and that sometimes things are amazing. It's better to know someone in person, through conversation, but most of us just don't have the time in the day anymore (sadly). I feel connected with half of the people I call "girlfriends" simply by their Tumblrs and their Twitters. I learn from them. And I hope they learn (somehow through someway) from me...whether it be through this blog or my dramatic accounts of love being lost on Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr. I thank God when people are TMI on Twitter or Tumblr because it helps me realize that I'm not alone...forever in any of my experiences. That there are people who are right there with me, physically distant but socially close. People begrudge the TMI-ing on social media outlets because they wish they were brave enough to admit themselves to an emotional connection via the internet.

Anyways, here are two parts I thoroughly enjoyed. If you have some time, leave this and read that.

"Which is why if there was ever a time to start a blog or a YouTube channel about your clothes, your apartment, the things that piss you off, the career you are pursuing, or what acne treatment you are using and how you are 27 and love Justin Beiber, that time is now. So many of us consider ourselves writers (and/or bloggers) because we have a need to tell our stories that goes beyond what can easily be assumed of us. We may not be snowflakes, but we are all very different. The one thing we certainly have in common is how much we enjoy learning about each other."

Abber writes on...

"As much as we might feel attacked for not being the ideal upwardly-mobile young person, or for not being what the majority of society considers physically or morally acceptable for our demographic, or for blogging about our personal lives to begin with, we must remember that with every confession and truth we share about what it is like to be us, we are doing something great...And for that, we should all be very proud."

Read and carry on...

Love's Labors Lost

When you're alone...forever, chances are like handouts. Second chances. Third chances. Twentieth-chances. The person doesn't always have to say it. "Can I have another chance?" But the question is still there and you still engage in the opportunity, the possibility of what another chance might bring. I'm not saying when you're alone...forever you have no backbone. Of course not. You have the strongest backbone. You're backbone is there but you're just more open to the benefit of the doubt. 

The benefit of the doubt can be seen in any text message between alone...forevers and that "somebody." The somebody who you're trying to forget, the somebody that made you alone, the somebody who still tickles your heartstrings even though the simple thought of them makes you want to gag. Whenever I or any of my alone...forever friends receives "that" text message, you know the one that's simple, nonchalant, but COMPLETELY devastating, the "hey" or the "I miss you" or the "what are you all doing tonight?"... all hell breaks loose. On the outside, we disgustingly say "oh my god, guess who just texted me?" and in response, all alone...forevers nearby say "oh you have got to be kidding me, ignore it (or delete it)." But then THE thought creeps in. The thought of chances. The thought of "well...maybe..." and then you convince yourself to "go with your gut," to stop listening to the people around you and to respond back damnit before they forget they ever texted you. 

Then, (as with most cases I've experienced) the conversation continues for a short while. You milk your insecurities and doubts that you've ever had for this person. You come around. You're thinking that they're coming around. You're glad that chances exist. That you're the fucking Mother Theresa of chances. 

And then it stops.

The conversation ends just as quickly as you expected.

Love's labors found and then lost.

At this point, you decide, you're done. But you come around in a few days. Or, you know he/she will come around in a few days. They'll text you again. You'll respond. It's a cycle of text-message bullshit that eventually leads to...something. I don't know because I'm stuck in the cycle right now. It's like being in a horrible modern-day Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode.

I give in so easily to the idea of chances. The idea of you surprising me. The idea of whatever is holding you back to finally let you go. I keep thinking that given enough chances and this will all be over. But if there is any resolution I can see from all this painstaking-heartache-delivered-through-text messaging, it's that chances eventually wear you down."Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go."  Eventually you realize that all your laboring of love has left you empty. You're without in the best and worst way. You no longer have that person but you also no longer have the pain of waiting to hear from them.

Music Remedy: "Blindsided" by Bon Iver

I've been painfully ill for the past week. On a pain scale of 1-10, I'm on 10 with the pain increasing every day. I can't speak, sleep, or eat. Pretty awesome. Not like you need to know any of this. But, when you're sick, you spend a lot of time alone and in your own head...especially when you can't speak. So I've been watching every movie made from 2010 until now and listening to music to calm my nerves. Being sick is a huge unwanted alone...forever moment but as with all things, I try to find the beauty in what's painful. I guess the beauty in being really, really, really sick is being able to have time to listen to music I've neglected for awhile. This is a good one. Specifically for long drives alone on a warm day. But all Bon Iver is good for the lonely soul.

Half of a Waffle

(I think we all saw this one coming)

I didn't think I would ever write about this.

I just thought I would keep it to myself.

But, now, during a difficult time in my life, I'm seeing that this may be one of the more appropriate things I ever write about.

The other night, after spending hours in a coffeeshop with my alone...forever friend, I remember telling them that "we're alone...forever but we're actually not alone."

We're not actually alone.

Meaning, in the solitude that is "being single," there's some company. I often catch myself dwelling on the hours, days and months I spend without someone, without hearing their voice, without knowing them. I lose sight of the value of the hours, days and months I am able to spend with other people. The truth is, when I am with my alone...forever friend (s), I'm disconnected from the pains and worries that complicate my thoughts. My alone...forever friend (s) make me laugh, they bring everything into perspective, they listen to my stories and respond with solutions or sometimes they don't, sometimes it's just empathy, but they're there, when oftentimes you're not.

I am alone...forever but I don't see myself as lonely as I used to be. I've allowed myself to be more honest with the people around me, I've opened up to my alone...forever friends about my fears of loneliness, heartbreak and loss. As a result, they've done the same in return and we've been able to (sappily) learn from each other. Of course, learning doesn't always mean change. We still make the same mistakes. We still text when we know we shouldn't. We still make trips when we know they won't end well and we still wake up every morning with a hope that maybe things will be different for one of us.

If I truly felt like I was in this alone, my head might explode. I know someday, somewhere, I might actually be alone...forever...with no one to joke around with, no one to listen to me whine and complain. But for now, I'll bask in my alone...forever friendships. I'll build up my self-esteem through our alone...forever sighs, our "why does this happen to me?" screams, and the nights when everything, for once, doesn't matter. The nights when we're okay being alone...forever because we (I might've stolen this from an episode of Barney or something) have each other, like two halves of a Belgian waffle (that reference is gonna go over so many people's heads, but that was a shoutout to my alone..forever friend who likes to split Belgian waffles after late night outings).

Music Remedy: "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons

I heard "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons, yesterday morning, when my bus was carrying me from Chicago to home. In the wake of heartache, loss, and trying to find understanding within a larger picture, this song rattles every emotion I'm currently experiencing. Specifically the first verse "How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes."

Enjoy.

I'M TRYING TO NOT SEE US THERE TOGETHER

(This headline comes from a line in a poem written by a close friend. The verse has stuck with me since I first read the piece a week ago.)

You will never see the gates that exist between MDW and SDF. The gates that lead you to me, the gates that carry you where you should be, where I need you to be. At the few times I'm not with my family, friends, or my dogs, I'm curled up on my bed, at a sofa on a coffee shop, moving slowly in my mom's car...I'm always thinking and carrying on leftover memories, thoughts, and conversations that have yet to happen.

But mostly, I'm trying my hardest not to see us there together.

I'm trying not to see you in the summertime, sunburnt and sweaty. Trying not to picture what your mother is like and the conversations we would've held, the things we would've disagreed on and the complaints I would've hidden about her beliefs, her cooking. I'm trying not to see you at your best, when you're most comfortable, when the timing is just right. I'm trying. I'm trying not to imagine what you would've ordered at this restaurant I've been wanting to try. The joke you would've weaseled into our conversation and the long story that keeps you from your meal. I'm trying not to. I'm trying not to know what you would've said when I was upset...when the world decides to dissatisfy me, when I can't...when I just can't. I'm trying not to see us there. Together. I'm trying not to picture us together. I'm trying not to see us in the million different "theres" I wish we could be.

...

There's a silent satisfaction you have to take in when you realize that given certain circumstances, you have to be alone...forever. I'm fortunate enough to have experienced "togetherness" with a few great people. The time I spent with them is a remix that blends together the beauty of what has happened, what has yet, and what might never happen. When I feel the most alone, I'm comforted by these memories. The ones of sunny days, long walks and cool breezes. The ones of accompaniment, silence,  and understanding.

But it's difficult to focus on only the memories. Trying not to imagine what could've been is strange. It has always been nice. I've always had the time and capability to think about possibilities. But now I can't. I have to be alone...forever. The solitude keeps me away from you but not from the thoughts of you and me in my most favorite state-of-being: together.

The images of us together replay in my mind. They are a gift and I'm thankful. But I still try not to see us there together. There, specifically where I wish I was now. Where I wish you were now, with me. The time I spend alone, whether with family, at a coffee shop, or driving only invites ideas of what it was like being together with you, alone. Together...alone in a world with just who I want to be with...a feeling separate of how I feel without you which is (have you guessed it?)...alone...forever.

Music Remedy: "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

"It's a quarter after one/I'm all alone/And I need you now." I shouldn't have to say more, but I will. To be honest, I really only like this song for the lyric above and the following..."'Nother shot of whiskey/Can't stop lookin' at the door" Both verses kinda describe my fun-filled Saturday nights...emotional realization of being alone and a shot to accompany the pain. This song is also another good one to blast in the car, alone or with a few other alone...forever friends. Don't be one of those losers who say they hate country. You know this song strikes a few chords in your heart.

3 AM Heartbreak: Why I Can't Love You During the Age of Social Media

I can't love you now. And I bet I could, too. That's the sad part.

It's just...social media.

Social media has truly killed any sortve hope I had for us.

Before it was just my friends...with the "he did this" "he said that" shit. Now, it's me see seeing what you did (Facebook, Instagram) and what you said (Twitter) to whomever it might be shit. I don't know if I can take it, to be honest.

I don't want to be alone...forever, but I think I might be as long as you and I are both connected through social media. I can't stand it. I can't stand your goddamn status updates, your tweets, who you're tweeting to, where you're checking into, what photograph you're Instagram-ing, who liked your picture, who liked your status, who likes you?...all of this is way too much. Beyond my control. It's driving me crazy. I can't love you.

I can't love you during the age of social media.

Maybe in a few years, when I can read your mind. When Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Foursquare and Pintrest and all those goddamn sites get removed. Maybe when the pretty girls with pretty avatars, sexy Twitpics and a million followers cease to exist. Maybe then. Maybe then I can love you like I want to love you.

But right now I can't.

Right now, I'll be alone...forever until I can get a better grasp on my social media controls. Until I can pose sexually (sex-ily?) for Instagram photos. Until my check-ins are satisfactory. Until my status updates make you piss your pants and call me crying. Until you realize that every Tumblr post is a post dedicated to you. Until social media is no longer the age we live in.

That's when I think I can love you. But I can't love you now.

Music Remedy: "She Don't Wanna Man" - Curren$y

Lets be clear, I'm alone...forever but I don't need a man. Or thirsty men who think my alone...forever status makes me susceptible to anyone. I think this song gets me.

Music Remedy: "Possibility" by Lykke Li

This past summer, when I desperately wanted to re-connect with old flames, I thought about this song. To be honest, I first heard the track when I watched Twilight: New Moon (please, please let me finish). The song appears in the scene where Bella is just sitting in a chair realizing that Edward just broke up with her. Come on, it's heartbreaking. This song is terribly sad and relatable for anyone that has ever suffered through a breakup or loss of a friendship. I've sadly, experienced both within the past year. My recommendation? Take a hot shower and blare this song. Let the tears fall and come out rejuvenated.

The Word

Sometimes I don't post and I apologize. It's not like I've all of a sudden become un-alone...forever and have given up on this, it's just sometimes my mind is too lost in a conversation with myself that anything I write seems utterly incoherent.

But, earlier today a friend from high school commented on my blog with the advice, "enough with the self-loathing." 

I thought I would just let it go, but I think this comment deserves a proper response...

I, in no way see this blog as a way to loathe about how I'm not in a relationship. I'm in a relationship with a lot of things, my family, my friends, my future, my breakfast, etc. Yes, maybe some of you do find this to be a bit depressing, but that is not my intention at all.

 I think that many of us live in the notion that one day we will find "the one," settle down, have two kids (a boy and a girl), live in a nice house, drive a nice car, and live in the luxury of family vacations, parties, and albums to document our happiness. When I write that I am "alone...forever," I'm simply stating the possibility that this may not be a reality for everybody. Alone...forevers exist. There are people out there who have learned how to live alone. The people that don't get the luck of the draw. The people that are serial-daters, casual hooker-uppers, or just emotionally unmatchable. There are people out there that are alone...forever. There are people that are alone until they die. Maybe not necessarily in a boarded up house shoo-ing children away, but alone nevertheless. To me, recognizing the possibility of that reality, is not self-loathing, but a way of learning how to cope and understand what may or may not be in store for my future.

Being alone does not always mean your sad or resentful.

Being alone is not always warranted but learning how to deal with loneliness can make a person more resilient in the end.

Or at least, that is what I believe. 

I'm not saying you should dump the person youre with and sit in your room for hours on end trying to be alone...forever... but to respect the time you do have with yourself. The silence. The quiet recognition of your environment and the people that surround you. Becoming occupied with yourself, your thoughts and what has yet to come. (I know I sound like the end of a yoga video, but hear me out here...)

Right now, I am aware that I will be alone...forever for quite awhile. I have a job that will consume me and dreams that will control my desires for the rest of my life. Maybe you have a job that consumes you or maybe you don't. Maybe you're alone...forever because you just are...and that's okay. Maybe somewhere along my road, I'll meet someone that changes my status, makes me un-alone...forever. Maybe my reality will be a white-picket fence, a sweet house and a husband who brings in the money while I take care of the kids. I don't know. That might not happen. And after all is said and done, I'm okay with the possibility of being alone...forever.

Google Gets It

Music Remedy: "Forget Me Not" by Thieves Like Us

I have to give credit where credit is due and say that this song was sent over to me by my close alone...forever friend. If you're alone...forever and have Spotify search for my playlist "Alone...Forever." The playlist includes current "music remedies" and others that I've collected. If you're fortunate enough to have a bunch of alone...forever friends like me, use Spotify to send songs. Believe me, it's nice, comforting and always makes my day.

Eeyore & My New Background

New background (and in case you've ever wondered) is dedicated to elephants, my favorite animal. The elephant became my favorite animal when I was young and felt bad for Eeyore every time I watched Winnie the Poo. Even as I kid I knew what alone...forever was. Eeyore made me sad because he always seemed alone, depressed, and disheartened. I know now that Eeyore is not an elephant and is in fact a donkey (found this out when I was 18, sadly) but I can't help but see an alone...forever-state-of-mind whenever I look at elephants.

As always, enjoy.

Being the Cause of the Divide

I write about love, losing love, gaining love, and finding love a lot on this blog. I can't help it.  Within the past few weeks, love has been the only thing I've been able to fully question, critique and wonder about. I've been in love in the past and maybe I'm in love right now, but I can't know for sure because its been awhile since I've felt this way. So I think about love a lot; who I love and where love comes from. At this point in my life, I can't really be with someone or love someone like I'd like to. My future is just too much in control of my decisions and I'm okay with that. But, what this means is that I have to let a lot of love go. I have to tell the people I love I can't actively love them like they want me to, but that I will "always" love them. Sounds cliche like most things I write about, but it's sadly true. I will always love them.

I've found that the people I've loved in the past always remain in my mind as a pleasant memory, a gifted thought and a sore resolution. Nothing tactile, but knowing they can still exist somewhere within me is something I've learned to settle for.

Like the Shins verse, "love is such a delicate thing that we do, with nothing to prove."

But this post isn't about loving or losing love, but being the cause of the divide. The reason why two people don't love each other anymore.

Early in October, I met someone that made me the happiest person in the world. We spent hours talking, laughing, and (in my mind) caring about each other. After a few weeks of being with this person, I found out they were actually in a more serious relationship with someone else and that our time spent together had caused the two people to break-up. Sounds typical and I bet this scenario has happened to everyone once in their lifetime, but with me, I had never been the person to cause the split. I was always the one on the receiving end, who wrote angry messages and depressing poems. The person who felt walked on, abused, and overlooked. The person who took months to get over the love that was lost.

What happened between these two people, I'll never know for sure. He shared with me the details he felt comfortable with and I caught up with her thoughts on Twitter and tried my best to apologize. It's March now and the person I met in October still holds a huge piece of my heart, but every now and then I get sick to my stomach thinking of the person I hurt the most...the girl he was once with. I probably did not leave her alone...forever (she's beautiful and beautiful girls don't stay lonely for long), but I know I fueled nights of heartache...and I don't feel proud about this at all.

Love is not always tactile, but the results can almost always be seen. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever been in my position; has ever questioned how their actions may have been the cause of something, the loss of something that at one point...was great. Within time (like most things), I know I'll forgive myself but for now I still wait for that moment when this all catches up to me, that punch in the face, that bruise that just never goes away, that bus that turns my head around...

I've come across sayings and lyrics that talk about how proud a girl is about stealing another girl's man. It's all about boosting self-confidence, no doubt, but I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with those actions and the result of those games. I know it's just like "survival of the fittest" and you have to fight for what you want, but maybe I'm just meant to be alone...forever if love is a competition.

If there can be a conclusion to anything I have written, it's that I'm sorry. That I've never at any point enjoyed being the cause of the divide. The reason why someone ends up alone...forever, whether temporarily or permanent.

How Do You Know You Love Someone? How Do You Know Somebody Loves You?

A long time ago, poet, Staceyann Chin posed these questions to her Facebook friends. Ever since, I've been asking myself these questions and asking others around me to see if I can come up with a suitable answer. I haven't gotten a lot of solid answers. I think a lot of people are afraid to answer. I assume it's because they think it's (or I'm) lame or they've never been in love. I don't know. I know what I've felt and what I've gone through. The realities and emotions I experienced after saying "I love you," are expressions I force myself to recall when drawing any conclusions to

"how do you know you love someone?"

"how do you know somebody loves you?"

These questions are important when you choose to leave your alone...forever state and graduate to dependency. Thinking you're in love and being in love are very separate experiences. They easily blend and mask one another but I've found that when you are in love...you...just...know. And you just know that the other person loves you too. Everything feels 100%. There is no taking, just giving. You want to know everything about that person. You want to be in their head. Remember their smell, their smile and the way they pause between their thoughts. You want to give into them. You want them to be the one that knows you, the one that makes you feel above all cliches, "special". You want them. Period. You want to be loved and to love.

It's 2AM and I just left three frickin (this word looks so awful, but seems appropriate) bars. I was on a mission to find a husband (like I am every night), to "find love in a hopeless place," like my girl Ri Ri. Sadly I left each bar unsuccessful and alone...forever. But I knew this all along. You can't find love in the places where you choose to look for it. You can't find love in the people that go to the same shitty bars that you go to. You can't find love in simple hook-ups. You can't find love in the person that has been on your mind, the person you've been with, the person that makes you smile but does not make you anything special in their life. Pessimistic, yes. Drunken truth, most likely. But what I've come to realize is, that in order to know love and in order to find love,  you have to be less-thirsty for it. You have to be willing. You have to be willing and patient. You have to let love seep into the places where your grudges are the tightest and your heart is the coldest. That's when you'll come to realize that you love someone and that they love you (or at least, I hope. I'm alone...forever so I can be optimistic and pessimistic as often as I choose to).

YouTube Remedy: Don't Judge Me For This...

"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen with Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Big Time Rush and Ashley Tisdale.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. This is truly embarrassing and I know I haven't made a post in a really long time (like I've said before, I'm going through something)...so it's very difficult to ask for respect when this is the first video I post after my return.

But. Just watch. The song is catchy (and annoying after awhile --- but that's only after 100 + views...which I have successfully accomplished). The people are cute (Jelena, what ,what!). And if anything, it reminds me of the possibilities I have with current and future friends. Friends are important when you're alone. They're what keeps you grounded. They're the people that allow you to create YouTube videos like the one above, with NO SHAME (they're also the ones that encourage the watching of these videos and the imitating of the people in the videos, ahem...all my alone...forever girls). They're the people that remind you why you are alone and why you have to be alone at this point in your life. They're the ones that tell you the person that made you alone or the person that you can settle for, is not worth it...which is important....if you're like me and have a complete lack of willpower when it comes to settling.

Anyways. Enjoy. Or secretly watch and enjoy. I know you'll smile.

Leave this, Read that: "A Girl Walks Into A Bar" by Andrea Greb

Besides Thought Catalog, I also obsess over the website, HelloGiggles.com. One of their latest posts comes from Andrea Greb entitled, "A Girl Walks Into A Bar." The article goes into one of my current obstacles, being alone...forever at a bar.

"The whole ‘being a cool, composed person who can have a casual drink in a bar by herself’ thing happens on a lot of shows (Samantha did it on Sex and the City and met a billionaire!), and it’s something I envy, given my documented fear of eating alone. This fear is why, when I got stood up a few weeks ago, I had a moment of sheer panic. It was one of those unfortunate situations where I didn’t have the guy’s number so I was just blindly circling the restaurant hoping I might find him…and nothing. My first instinct was to go home and eat pie. Then the cooler and more composed part of me kicked in and pointed out that it would be silly to have driven three quarters of the way across town to a restaurant I’d been wanting to try for nothing. So I approached the bar and sat down."

I won't go into what she discovers about being alone...forever in a bar, but lets just say it's honest and something I hopefully can work up the courage to do soon.

Continue reading the article here

Sharing the Lonely Platter

Everyday, I wake up and sort through Thought Catalog's nearly 1,000 pages of articles. Some I read for laughter and others I read for their intense ability to capture everything I'm feeling at that exact moment. Just recently I came across Ciara Flynn's article, "Wherever You Go, There You Are" and felt compelled to share the following:

"The deal is, if you say you are afraid of being alone and lonely, you are casting aspersions on the lives other women build for themselves to keep that fear at bay. The sisterhood of singledom fractures along these lines. The people who have resigned themselves wait for the rest of us to cross over, one by one. Step into the flattering, indirect light. There’s a rattan basket for your sandals on the left. The women who have truly made peace with their single lot are a scarce breed, though from time to time, I hear of sightings."

A few weeks ago when I was up in Chicago for all the wrong reasons, I had dinner with three friends I've known since I was eighteen. (All of them lucky enough to be in successful long-term relationships.) They seemed happy. They seemed both complete and fulfilled. As we sat together for the first time in months, I opened up about current relationship problems and how I'm alone...forever. In trying to find a remedy for my situation, they reminded me of how awesome, successful and brilliant I am (ad-libbing like crazy here) and how time will only provide me with something promising. As much as I appreciated the support and advice, their words only reminded me that I've yet to come full circle. Not to say a relationship completes a person, but as time passes, I feel more and more abandoned on this long road of singledom.

But occasionally, while on this road, I come across men and women who, like Flynn mentions above "have truly made peace with their single lot." These are my people. Or at least the people that I like to be around. The people I like to take advice from. They've learned how to exist in the world for other purposes besides loving for marriage and babies and growing old with one person. These people are way more entertaining than I am. People like my seventeen year-old sister who has no problems or complaints with going to her Junior prom stag. People like my close alone...forever friend who stresses the importance of her career over finding a mate. People like my old classmate Jackie, who tells me every time I ask about her relationship status, "girl, even when I'm not single, I'm single."

I'm not into settling but I have yet to find the comfort in being single. Given time I know I'll overcome this obstacle and look back on these posts and vomit over my patheticism.

But for now, it's safe to say that reflection, sharing, and waking up every morning to Thought Catalog articles and texts from close friends is what will eventually get me through this fear of being alone...forever.

Photo Heartbreak: Caught Being Alone...Forever

Me, being alone...forever. Wrapped in blankets, wine-in-hand, Britney Spears on the TV. Hey, but at least someone was there to take the picture (my best alone...forever friend). What I've failed to post is the following picture, where I'm passed out at midnight on a Friday. Solid.

YouTube Remedy: "Drive, Kick Your Teeth"

What to do and say the next time you're eating alone. The "say" portion will guarantee alone...forever-ness.

Learning To Grin and Bear It, A Lesson From R. Gosling

Pictured above is Ryan Gosling as the no-named character in the 2011 film, Drive (aka my favorite movie to this day, besides Forrest Gump...and I'm only admitting that because I'm alone...forever). In my world, there should always be at least one post about Ryan Gosling on a blog. But I'm also alone...forever and I swoon over everything he's ever done (most have been him imitating/being? a killer...so...there's that). But I watched this film for the third time (yes) the other day with a close alone...forever friend (I've mentioned her about three times in this blog...I'm starting to seem less alone than I really am and really into parentheses). While absorbing the movie for the third time and catching all the wonderful moments I took for granted during the first and second, I started to realize that Ry Ry is the epitome of alone...forever. Except, unlike me, and many of my friends, he plays off being alone...forever much cooler.

What makes Ryan Gosling so alone...forever in this film? Well, it's definitely that his name is never mentioned and no one ever seems to bother asking him. Alone...forever. And well, he's a lonely loner who lives in a single bedroom apartment and drives around town (mostly) alone. Yes, he does befriend Carrie Mulligan and her son, but even after finding companionship, he abandons her to (what I guess...) live alone...forever.

But even as he's alone...forever, he keeps his cool. He talks only when necessary, remains completely un-emotional, and drives around town eating pie by himself at local diners (see above post).

So from now on, I'm going to pull a page from the Ryan-Gosling-In-Drive handbook and cool out on my constant need for alone...forever attention. I'm thinking I'll need to cool out on the Tweeting (only Tweeting when necessary). I'll need to detach my emotions from things I find unintentionally emotional (why didn't so-so text me back? did I really eat White Castle?). Maybe I'll even work up the courage to go grab a piece of pie by myself.

But finally, in the cool-style of Ryan Gosling, I will finally learn to accept my alone...forever-state-of-mind. I will confidently and successively learn to "grin and bear it." (while still posting both drunkenly/soberly and using parentheses whenever they are unnecessary).

Food Remedy: Black Raspberry Chip Ice Cream

Truly not ashamed to say that I've eaten a pint of black raspberry chip ice cream while crying over a loss/breakup/movie. So comforting. So fulfilling. No guilt. Wish I could date it. Grab a pint now if you're like me and alone on this Monday night.

Music Remedy: "No Way" by The Naked and Famous

This one is kind've a heartbreaker, but sad songs are in their own way, an uncoordinated remedy. I've sat in my room a-plenty of times listening to The Naked and Famous' "No Way." The video is stunning, but if you have a chance to find the song, pop it into a long-drive home and just let the tears flow. With the lyrics "I'm not sorry/All this means/loosing/letting-go," hidden at the end of the track, how can you not see this track as a musical remedy?

Items I Hate Sleeping Next To, Part 1: My Phone

I hate sleeping next to my phone.

Let the First World Problems tears rain.

I understand how fortunate I am to have the luxury of being able to use a phone, but sometimes my Blackberry causes more emotional drama than any ex-boyfriend I have ever been with. My Blackberry doesn't let me sleep. Most of the time it's my fault. I stay awake constantly checking for my Blackberry's tiny red LED light to go off. Two tiny red flashes of light and my night is made. And when it doesn't, I loose sleep. Sad. But when you're alone...forever, that 2AM text can sometimes be one of the most comforting forms of communication. If you haven't reached my aptitude of madness, then, I salute you and your freedom. Congrats.

It's the not-texting, not-calling, not-writing-me-long-messages-on-Facebook (which fortunately/unfortunately? get sent to my phone). It's the I'll-just-put-my-phone-on-silent-so-I'm-not-constantly-waiting-for-it-to-make-a-noise. It's the waiting around for that one person. That one person who you respond to immediately without any hesitation. That one person who's responses you re-read over and over again just to make sure you haven't missed something important. That one person is the one person that seems to keep me up at night. That one person is the person who has helped create all the animosity I have towards my phone. That one person is the reason why I sleep next to my Blackberry, waiting for a goodnight text...a last minute "I love you."

But if you're alone...forever like me, then sleeping next to your phone is not just a hated practice, but an alone...forever practice. If I'm lucky enough to dose off, it's usually accompanied by an alone...forever sigh. Sometimes in the middle of the night, my phone will buzz, causing me to reach over to my Blackberry in hopes of a new-found romance blooming through text message (s?...a girl can dream). To my dismay, it is almost always a spam-email or a tweet from my good alone...forever friend.

The answer to my problem seems simple...I just need to sleep away from the goddamn Blackberry. But what I can't seem to do is let go of that slight hope that sleeping next to my Blackberry gives me. The disappointment of not receiving a text from that one person is the worst, but the high, the I-miss-you-goodnight-text seems to always rework the heart's memory...

Music Remedy: "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson

Don't judge me, at least this isn't Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful". How can you not like the line: "doesn't mean I'm lonely, when I'm alone." Stop. I'm going through something.

Heartbreak: Faulty Missed Connections

Last year, when my then-boyfriend dumped me, I turned to Craigslist's "Missed Connections" for hope and romance. (I'm not even going to begin to tell you how funny that sentence was to write and then later read aloud...I just hope the experience is the same for you). I enjoy reading MC for the specificity of both the location and the person (and if you haven't, go onto MC right now and you'll know what I mean), as well as for the actual chance of being the lucky gal to have been missed-connected.

This past Wednesday, a alone...forever friend and  I discussed how our current goal would be to make missed connections happen everywhere we go. It was a truly great idea, until our drunken-mouths told everyone and a little brat came up with a brilliant plan to bring to light on the Internet more of my alone...forever-ness.

The above picture is of a screenshot of a MC post, that my alone...forever friend and I both read and assumed to be me. After working up the courage, I finally responded to my suitor. Elated to find out the post was about me, I Googled the poster's e-mail address only to find out that the poster was a friend's younger brother, who had seen my MC Tweets and decided to have a little fun with my emotions. I now hate him. But I will survive.

Now, I'm not gonna say I'm sad. It was a funny joke and I now have another alone...forever story to tell to my friends. What does make me upset, is knowing that out there, there are a million missed connections happening each day. Possible alone...forever people running into another alone...forever person and never getting the chance to be together. I've been lucky to have two, really great missed connections in my lifetime. Each time I've written extremely detailed and descriptive posts onto Craigslist only to have received extremely weird responses. But last night, a failed response, wrote me this reply to my post "BEAUT at MagBar":

"...bet you had a lot of rando emails about this. It would have been pretty awesome if it were me. People always talk about getting a missed connection, just to say they got one you know?...Good luck finding your beaut!"

It definitely would have been nice. But for now, I'll stay on the look out for my beaut and possible other missed connections. My advice to anyone reading, beware of faux-missed-connections-suitors (aka this guy) and don't romanticize missed connections, just make them connections and make your life easier.

YouTube Remedy: "How to Be Alone" by poet Tanya Davis

Love, a Decade Under the Influence

About a month ago, I thought I would make a zine about loving and past loves. I thought the reflection would be helpful, but during the few days I tried to write creatively about my experiences, I fell short of anything substantial or worth sharing. I did however, write a small introduction. This blog may seem like a joke, but what I know to be true is that the realities of no longer loving and no longer sharing love is something many of us experience everyday. The zine was supposed to help me remember past relationships; what made them great and what made them horrible and unhealthy. I'm alone now because of their ending but I have no resentment for the state in which those relationships have left me in.

This introduction may just read as a repeat of my first post, but the words come from a different purpose...

January 23, 2012


"i'd like to believe that this was a long time comin'. i'd like to say that i've been writing this for the past year and that everything reflected within these twenty-some-odd pages is a culmination of all my thoughts from the past year or so. but that's absolutely not true. this idea came to me on a drive home from chicago and for a good week, i sat on it…thinking it wasn't important and that something else would come to mind to distract me. nothing ever did and now it's 2AM and i find myself writing this nonsense (but also coming to terms with how important nonsense can be sometimes).

i stopped writing over a year ago because i didn't think i was good, i could barely write letters to the boy i loved without grammar mistakes and run-on sentences. writing makes me nervous. what i'm doing right here makes me nervous, but i'm starting to realize that i don't care and i think that freeing myself from any fear of judgement is the first step in becoming better.

and by better, i mean, getting over some serious fucking heartbreak/ache/sore…something…something i haven't been able to clearly put into words for quite awhile.

this may be nonsense…but it's a culmination of ten years of nonsense that given time to seep, may make a little sense, may grow, and may help ease future and hopefully present pains."

Music Remedy: "I'm Not Alone" by Calvin Harris

...songs that come into our minds at 5AM.

5 AM Heartbreak on February 23, 2012

The worst, if anything, about being alone...forever...is the being alone. Tonight I went out with a close alone...forever friend only to have her stolen away by a guy named "Joel" in the middle of the night. After being stolen away she danced with him for the remainder of the night and during down-times talked to him about their love for pescatarianism and kale.

A friend leaving you for a dude isn't always depressing. It is nice sometimes to be able to dance by yourself, to talk to strangers...alone (forever...). What really sucks is at the end of the night when you've realized you've made no connection with anyone and you're indeed...alone...forever.

It's 5AM and I've had 2 whiskey sours, 2 beers, and 3 glasses of wine. A lot of what is on my mind is flowing from a drunken, lonely mind that wants to fall asleep  but also wants her phone to vibrate one more time.

Mazol Tov.

Music Remedy: "Me, Myself and I" by Beyonce

I am and will be...Alone...Forever

I had to make this. I needed to make a blog that epitomized everything that I am going through. I'm dramatic, easily heartbroken, 21 and never sorry for any of the ways in which I choose to categorize myself.

I had to make this because a little over a week ago I saw The Vow alone. The worst part being that I arrived 20 minutes early and the employees had to tell me to wait outside until they were finished cleaning the theater. Of course I cried and of course I mumbled the phrase, "Alone…Forever" underneath my breath during the entire length of the movie. "Alone…Forever," a small grouping of words that I now seem to say all the time. My friend constantly corrects me, "Um, it's Forever. Alone." But I like the small pause I give in between the 'alone' and the 'forever.' The pause represents the awareness and rejection I have of the idea that I indeed, might always, be alone…forever.

If you don't believe me, maybe you should learn that there is indeed a "Alone…Forever" curse upon my family. About two summers ago I travelled to the Philippines with my Lola to visit family and become culturally-connected to my distant heritage. At the time I was with my "one-true-love" and spending most of my time glued to a computer-screen that was located in an internet cafe a mile from our house. I remember during a car ride my Lola told me to "make sure that boy marries you, otherwise you'll end up like all the other Divino women….alone….forever". According to my Lola, there have been a numerous amount of Divino women who have never married or ended up in long-term relationships and instead, have been alone…forever (or at least until they passed away). These women, classified by my family as "hags" or "lesbians" are known to have been victims of the "Alone…Forever" curse, a curse my sister and I believe, still plagues our family today.

(and in case you were wondering, I broke up with the boy mentioned in the above paragraph through e-mail after he went crazy and called me a French-whore…maybe some of my "Alone…Forever"-ness is brought on by myself but in many cases it cannot be confirmed or denied)

From now on, this blog-space will be used to document my life as a Divino-woman cursed by "Alone…Forever." As one close friend reminded me one day, my "life is a joke." I hope that maybe someday, someone will stumble upon this blog and bear witness to the heartbreaks and remedies of being alone…forever.