When you're alone...forever, chances are like handouts. Second chances. Third chances. Twentieth-chances. The person doesn't always have to say it. "Can I have another chance?" But the question is still there and you still engage in the opportunity, the possibility of what another chance might bring. I'm not saying when you're alone...forever you have no backbone. Of course not. You have the strongest backbone. You're backbone is there but you're just more open to the benefit of the doubt.
The benefit of the doubt can be seen in any text message between alone...forevers and that "somebody." The somebody who you're trying to forget, the somebody that made you alone, the somebody who still tickles your heartstrings even though the simple thought of them makes you want to gag. Whenever I or any of my alone...forever friends receives "that" text message, you know the one that's simple, nonchalant, but COMPLETELY devastating, the "hey" or the "I miss you" or the "what are you all doing tonight?"... all hell breaks loose. On the outside, we disgustingly say "oh my god, guess who just texted me?" and in response, all alone...forevers nearby say "oh you have got to be kidding me, ignore it (or delete it)." But then THE thought creeps in. The thought of chances. The thought of "well...maybe..." and then you convince yourself to "go with your gut," to stop listening to the people around you and to respond back damnit before they forget they ever texted you.
Then, (as with most cases I've experienced) the conversation continues for a short while. You milk your insecurities and doubts that you've ever had for this person. You come around. You're thinking that they're coming around. You're glad that chances exist. That you're the fucking Mother Theresa of chances.
And then it stops.
The conversation ends just as quickly as you expected.
Love's labors found and then lost.
At this point, you decide, you're done. But you come around in a few days. Or, you know he/she will come around in a few days. They'll text you again. You'll respond. It's a cycle of text-message bullshit that eventually leads to...something. I don't know because I'm stuck in the cycle right now. It's like being in a horrible modern-day Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode.
I give in so easily to the idea of chances. The idea of you surprising me. The idea of whatever is holding you back to finally let you go. I keep thinking that given enough chances and this will all be over. But if there is any resolution I can see from all this painstaking-heartache-delivered-through-text messaging, it's that chances eventually wear you down."Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go." Eventually you realize that all your laboring of love has left you empty. You're without in the best and worst way. You no longer have that person but you also no longer have the pain of waiting to hear from them.
