Half of a Waffle

(I think we all saw this one coming)

I didn't think I would ever write about this.

I just thought I would keep it to myself.

But, now, during a difficult time in my life, I'm seeing that this may be one of the more appropriate things I ever write about.

The other night, after spending hours in a coffeeshop with my alone...forever friend, I remember telling them that "we're alone...forever but we're actually not alone."

We're not actually alone.

Meaning, in the solitude that is "being single," there's some company. I often catch myself dwelling on the hours, days and months I spend without someone, without hearing their voice, without knowing them. I lose sight of the value of the hours, days and months I am able to spend with other people. The truth is, when I am with my alone...forever friend (s), I'm disconnected from the pains and worries that complicate my thoughts. My alone...forever friend (s) make me laugh, they bring everything into perspective, they listen to my stories and respond with solutions or sometimes they don't, sometimes it's just empathy, but they're there, when oftentimes you're not.

I am alone...forever but I don't see myself as lonely as I used to be. I've allowed myself to be more honest with the people around me, I've opened up to my alone...forever friends about my fears of loneliness, heartbreak and loss. As a result, they've done the same in return and we've been able to (sappily) learn from each other. Of course, learning doesn't always mean change. We still make the same mistakes. We still text when we know we shouldn't. We still make trips when we know they won't end well and we still wake up every morning with a hope that maybe things will be different for one of us.

If I truly felt like I was in this alone, my head might explode. I know someday, somewhere, I might actually be alone...forever...with no one to joke around with, no one to listen to me whine and complain. But for now, I'll bask in my alone...forever friendships. I'll build up my self-esteem through our alone...forever sighs, our "why does this happen to me?" screams, and the nights when everything, for once, doesn't matter. The nights when we're okay being alone...forever because we (I might've stolen this from an episode of Barney or something) have each other, like two halves of a Belgian waffle (that reference is gonna go over so many people's heads, but that was a shoutout to my alone..forever friend who likes to split Belgian waffles after late night outings).

Music Remedy: "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons

I heard "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons, yesterday morning, when my bus was carrying me from Chicago to home. In the wake of heartache, loss, and trying to find understanding within a larger picture, this song rattles every emotion I'm currently experiencing. Specifically the first verse "How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes."

Enjoy.

I'M TRYING TO NOT SEE US THERE TOGETHER

(This headline comes from a line in a poem written by a close friend. The verse has stuck with me since I first read the piece a week ago.)

You will never see the gates that exist between MDW and SDF. The gates that lead you to me, the gates that carry you where you should be, where I need you to be. At the few times I'm not with my family, friends, or my dogs, I'm curled up on my bed, at a sofa on a coffee shop, moving slowly in my mom's car...I'm always thinking and carrying on leftover memories, thoughts, and conversations that have yet to happen.

But mostly, I'm trying my hardest not to see us there together.

I'm trying not to see you in the summertime, sunburnt and sweaty. Trying not to picture what your mother is like and the conversations we would've held, the things we would've disagreed on and the complaints I would've hidden about her beliefs, her cooking. I'm trying not to see you at your best, when you're most comfortable, when the timing is just right. I'm trying. I'm trying not to imagine what you would've ordered at this restaurant I've been wanting to try. The joke you would've weaseled into our conversation and the long story that keeps you from your meal. I'm trying not to. I'm trying not to know what you would've said when I was upset...when the world decides to dissatisfy me, when I can't...when I just can't. I'm trying not to see us there. Together. I'm trying not to picture us together. I'm trying not to see us in the million different "theres" I wish we could be.

...

There's a silent satisfaction you have to take in when you realize that given certain circumstances, you have to be alone...forever. I'm fortunate enough to have experienced "togetherness" with a few great people. The time I spent with them is a remix that blends together the beauty of what has happened, what has yet, and what might never happen. When I feel the most alone, I'm comforted by these memories. The ones of sunny days, long walks and cool breezes. The ones of accompaniment, silence,  and understanding.

But it's difficult to focus on only the memories. Trying not to imagine what could've been is strange. It has always been nice. I've always had the time and capability to think about possibilities. But now I can't. I have to be alone...forever. The solitude keeps me away from you but not from the thoughts of you and me in my most favorite state-of-being: together.

The images of us together replay in my mind. They are a gift and I'm thankful. But I still try not to see us there together. There, specifically where I wish I was now. Where I wish you were now, with me. The time I spend alone, whether with family, at a coffee shop, or driving only invites ideas of what it was like being together with you, alone. Together...alone in a world with just who I want to be with...a feeling separate of how I feel without you which is (have you guessed it?)...alone...forever.

Music Remedy: "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

"It's a quarter after one/I'm all alone/And I need you now." I shouldn't have to say more, but I will. To be honest, I really only like this song for the lyric above and the following..."'Nother shot of whiskey/Can't stop lookin' at the door" Both verses kinda describe my fun-filled Saturday nights...emotional realization of being alone and a shot to accompany the pain. This song is also another good one to blast in the car, alone or with a few other alone...forever friends. Don't be one of those losers who say they hate country. You know this song strikes a few chords in your heart.

3 AM Heartbreak: Why I Can't Love You During the Age of Social Media

I can't love you now. And I bet I could, too. That's the sad part.

It's just...social media.

Social media has truly killed any sortve hope I had for us.

Before it was just my friends...with the "he did this" "he said that" shit. Now, it's me see seeing what you did (Facebook, Instagram) and what you said (Twitter) to whomever it might be shit. I don't know if I can take it, to be honest.

I don't want to be alone...forever, but I think I might be as long as you and I are both connected through social media. I can't stand it. I can't stand your goddamn status updates, your tweets, who you're tweeting to, where you're checking into, what photograph you're Instagram-ing, who liked your picture, who liked your status, who likes you?...all of this is way too much. Beyond my control. It's driving me crazy. I can't love you.

I can't love you during the age of social media.

Maybe in a few years, when I can read your mind. When Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Foursquare and Pintrest and all those goddamn sites get removed. Maybe when the pretty girls with pretty avatars, sexy Twitpics and a million followers cease to exist. Maybe then. Maybe then I can love you like I want to love you.

But right now I can't.

Right now, I'll be alone...forever until I can get a better grasp on my social media controls. Until I can pose sexually (sex-ily?) for Instagram photos. Until my check-ins are satisfactory. Until my status updates make you piss your pants and call me crying. Until you realize that every Tumblr post is a post dedicated to you. Until social media is no longer the age we live in.

That's when I think I can love you. But I can't love you now.

Music Remedy: "She Don't Wanna Man" - Curren$y

Lets be clear, I'm alone...forever but I don't need a man. Or thirsty men who think my alone...forever status makes me susceptible to anyone. I think this song gets me.

Music Remedy: "Possibility" by Lykke Li

This past summer, when I desperately wanted to re-connect with old flames, I thought about this song. To be honest, I first heard the track when I watched Twilight: New Moon (please, please let me finish). The song appears in the scene where Bella is just sitting in a chair realizing that Edward just broke up with her. Come on, it's heartbreaking. This song is terribly sad and relatable for anyone that has ever suffered through a breakup or loss of a friendship. I've sadly, experienced both within the past year. My recommendation? Take a hot shower and blare this song. Let the tears fall and come out rejuvenated.

The Word

Sometimes I don't post and I apologize. It's not like I've all of a sudden become un-alone...forever and have given up on this, it's just sometimes my mind is too lost in a conversation with myself that anything I write seems utterly incoherent.

But, earlier today a friend from high school commented on my blog with the advice, "enough with the self-loathing." 

I thought I would just let it go, but I think this comment deserves a proper response...

I, in no way see this blog as a way to loathe about how I'm not in a relationship. I'm in a relationship with a lot of things, my family, my friends, my future, my breakfast, etc. Yes, maybe some of you do find this to be a bit depressing, but that is not my intention at all.

 I think that many of us live in the notion that one day we will find "the one," settle down, have two kids (a boy and a girl), live in a nice house, drive a nice car, and live in the luxury of family vacations, parties, and albums to document our happiness. When I write that I am "alone...forever," I'm simply stating the possibility that this may not be a reality for everybody. Alone...forevers exist. There are people out there who have learned how to live alone. The people that don't get the luck of the draw. The people that are serial-daters, casual hooker-uppers, or just emotionally unmatchable. There are people out there that are alone...forever. There are people that are alone until they die. Maybe not necessarily in a boarded up house shoo-ing children away, but alone nevertheless. To me, recognizing the possibility of that reality, is not self-loathing, but a way of learning how to cope and understand what may or may not be in store for my future.

Being alone does not always mean your sad or resentful.

Being alone is not always warranted but learning how to deal with loneliness can make a person more resilient in the end.

Or at least, that is what I believe. 

I'm not saying you should dump the person youre with and sit in your room for hours on end trying to be alone...forever... but to respect the time you do have with yourself. The silence. The quiet recognition of your environment and the people that surround you. Becoming occupied with yourself, your thoughts and what has yet to come. (I know I sound like the end of a yoga video, but hear me out here...)

Right now, I am aware that I will be alone...forever for quite awhile. I have a job that will consume me and dreams that will control my desires for the rest of my life. Maybe you have a job that consumes you or maybe you don't. Maybe you're alone...forever because you just are...and that's okay. Maybe somewhere along my road, I'll meet someone that changes my status, makes me un-alone...forever. Maybe my reality will be a white-picket fence, a sweet house and a husband who brings in the money while I take care of the kids. I don't know. That might not happen. And after all is said and done, I'm okay with the possibility of being alone...forever.

Google Gets It

Music Remedy: "Forget Me Not" by Thieves Like Us

I have to give credit where credit is due and say that this song was sent over to me by my close alone...forever friend. If you're alone...forever and have Spotify search for my playlist "Alone...Forever." The playlist includes current "music remedies" and others that I've collected. If you're fortunate enough to have a bunch of alone...forever friends like me, use Spotify to send songs. Believe me, it's nice, comforting and always makes my day.

Eeyore & My New Background

New background (and in case you've ever wondered) is dedicated to elephants, my favorite animal. The elephant became my favorite animal when I was young and felt bad for Eeyore every time I watched Winnie the Poo. Even as I kid I knew what alone...forever was. Eeyore made me sad because he always seemed alone, depressed, and disheartened. I know now that Eeyore is not an elephant and is in fact a donkey (found this out when I was 18, sadly) but I can't help but see an alone...forever-state-of-mind whenever I look at elephants.

As always, enjoy.

Being the Cause of the Divide

I write about love, losing love, gaining love, and finding love a lot on this blog. I can't help it.  Within the past few weeks, love has been the only thing I've been able to fully question, critique and wonder about. I've been in love in the past and maybe I'm in love right now, but I can't know for sure because its been awhile since I've felt this way. So I think about love a lot; who I love and where love comes from. At this point in my life, I can't really be with someone or love someone like I'd like to. My future is just too much in control of my decisions and I'm okay with that. But, what this means is that I have to let a lot of love go. I have to tell the people I love I can't actively love them like they want me to, but that I will "always" love them. Sounds cliche like most things I write about, but it's sadly true. I will always love them.

I've found that the people I've loved in the past always remain in my mind as a pleasant memory, a gifted thought and a sore resolution. Nothing tactile, but knowing they can still exist somewhere within me is something I've learned to settle for.

Like the Shins verse, "love is such a delicate thing that we do, with nothing to prove."

But this post isn't about loving or losing love, but being the cause of the divide. The reason why two people don't love each other anymore.

Early in October, I met someone that made me the happiest person in the world. We spent hours talking, laughing, and (in my mind) caring about each other. After a few weeks of being with this person, I found out they were actually in a more serious relationship with someone else and that our time spent together had caused the two people to break-up. Sounds typical and I bet this scenario has happened to everyone once in their lifetime, but with me, I had never been the person to cause the split. I was always the one on the receiving end, who wrote angry messages and depressing poems. The person who felt walked on, abused, and overlooked. The person who took months to get over the love that was lost.

What happened between these two people, I'll never know for sure. He shared with me the details he felt comfortable with and I caught up with her thoughts on Twitter and tried my best to apologize. It's March now and the person I met in October still holds a huge piece of my heart, but every now and then I get sick to my stomach thinking of the person I hurt the most...the girl he was once with. I probably did not leave her alone...forever (she's beautiful and beautiful girls don't stay lonely for long), but I know I fueled nights of heartache...and I don't feel proud about this at all.

Love is not always tactile, but the results can almost always be seen. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever been in my position; has ever questioned how their actions may have been the cause of something, the loss of something that at one point...was great. Within time (like most things), I know I'll forgive myself but for now I still wait for that moment when this all catches up to me, that punch in the face, that bruise that just never goes away, that bus that turns my head around...

I've come across sayings and lyrics that talk about how proud a girl is about stealing another girl's man. It's all about boosting self-confidence, no doubt, but I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with those actions and the result of those games. I know it's just like "survival of the fittest" and you have to fight for what you want, but maybe I'm just meant to be alone...forever if love is a competition.

If there can be a conclusion to anything I have written, it's that I'm sorry. That I've never at any point enjoyed being the cause of the divide. The reason why someone ends up alone...forever, whether temporarily or permanent.

How Do You Know You Love Someone? How Do You Know Somebody Loves You?

A long time ago, poet, Staceyann Chin posed these questions to her Facebook friends. Ever since, I've been asking myself these questions and asking others around me to see if I can come up with a suitable answer. I haven't gotten a lot of solid answers. I think a lot of people are afraid to answer. I assume it's because they think it's (or I'm) lame or they've never been in love. I don't know. I know what I've felt and what I've gone through. The realities and emotions I experienced after saying "I love you," are expressions I force myself to recall when drawing any conclusions to

"how do you know you love someone?"

"how do you know somebody loves you?"

These questions are important when you choose to leave your alone...forever state and graduate to dependency. Thinking you're in love and being in love are very separate experiences. They easily blend and mask one another but I've found that when you are in love...you...just...know. And you just know that the other person loves you too. Everything feels 100%. There is no taking, just giving. You want to know everything about that person. You want to be in their head. Remember their smell, their smile and the way they pause between their thoughts. You want to give into them. You want them to be the one that knows you, the one that makes you feel above all cliches, "special". You want them. Period. You want to be loved and to love.

It's 2AM and I just left three frickin (this word looks so awful, but seems appropriate) bars. I was on a mission to find a husband (like I am every night), to "find love in a hopeless place," like my girl Ri Ri. Sadly I left each bar unsuccessful and alone...forever. But I knew this all along. You can't find love in the places where you choose to look for it. You can't find love in the people that go to the same shitty bars that you go to. You can't find love in simple hook-ups. You can't find love in the person that has been on your mind, the person you've been with, the person that makes you smile but does not make you anything special in their life. Pessimistic, yes. Drunken truth, most likely. But what I've come to realize is, that in order to know love and in order to find love,  you have to be less-thirsty for it. You have to be willing. You have to be willing and patient. You have to let love seep into the places where your grudges are the tightest and your heart is the coldest. That's when you'll come to realize that you love someone and that they love you (or at least, I hope. I'm alone...forever so I can be optimistic and pessimistic as often as I choose to).

YouTube Remedy: Don't Judge Me For This...

"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen with Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Big Time Rush and Ashley Tisdale.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. This is truly embarrassing and I know I haven't made a post in a really long time (like I've said before, I'm going through something)...so it's very difficult to ask for respect when this is the first video I post after my return.

But. Just watch. The song is catchy (and annoying after awhile --- but that's only after 100 + views...which I have successfully accomplished). The people are cute (Jelena, what ,what!). And if anything, it reminds me of the possibilities I have with current and future friends. Friends are important when you're alone. They're what keeps you grounded. They're the people that allow you to create YouTube videos like the one above, with NO SHAME (they're also the ones that encourage the watching of these videos and the imitating of the people in the videos, ahem...all my alone...forever girls). They're the people that remind you why you are alone and why you have to be alone at this point in your life. They're the ones that tell you the person that made you alone or the person that you can settle for, is not worth it...which is important....if you're like me and have a complete lack of willpower when it comes to settling.

Anyways. Enjoy. Or secretly watch and enjoy. I know you'll smile.

Leave this, Read that: "A Girl Walks Into A Bar" by Andrea Greb

Besides Thought Catalog, I also obsess over the website, HelloGiggles.com. One of their latest posts comes from Andrea Greb entitled, "A Girl Walks Into A Bar." The article goes into one of my current obstacles, being alone...forever at a bar.

"The whole ‘being a cool, composed person who can have a casual drink in a bar by herself’ thing happens on a lot of shows (Samantha did it on Sex and the City and met a billionaire!), and it’s something I envy, given my documented fear of eating alone. This fear is why, when I got stood up a few weeks ago, I had a moment of sheer panic. It was one of those unfortunate situations where I didn’t have the guy’s number so I was just blindly circling the restaurant hoping I might find him…and nothing. My first instinct was to go home and eat pie. Then the cooler and more composed part of me kicked in and pointed out that it would be silly to have driven three quarters of the way across town to a restaurant I’d been wanting to try for nothing. So I approached the bar and sat down."

I won't go into what she discovers about being alone...forever in a bar, but lets just say it's honest and something I hopefully can work up the courage to do soon.

Continue reading the article here

Sharing the Lonely Platter

Everyday, I wake up and sort through Thought Catalog's nearly 1,000 pages of articles. Some I read for laughter and others I read for their intense ability to capture everything I'm feeling at that exact moment. Just recently I came across Ciara Flynn's article, "Wherever You Go, There You Are" and felt compelled to share the following:

"The deal is, if you say you are afraid of being alone and lonely, you are casting aspersions on the lives other women build for themselves to keep that fear at bay. The sisterhood of singledom fractures along these lines. The people who have resigned themselves wait for the rest of us to cross over, one by one. Step into the flattering, indirect light. There’s a rattan basket for your sandals on the left. The women who have truly made peace with their single lot are a scarce breed, though from time to time, I hear of sightings."

A few weeks ago when I was up in Chicago for all the wrong reasons, I had dinner with three friends I've known since I was eighteen. (All of them lucky enough to be in successful long-term relationships.) They seemed happy. They seemed both complete and fulfilled. As we sat together for the first time in months, I opened up about current relationship problems and how I'm alone...forever. In trying to find a remedy for my situation, they reminded me of how awesome, successful and brilliant I am (ad-libbing like crazy here) and how time will only provide me with something promising. As much as I appreciated the support and advice, their words only reminded me that I've yet to come full circle. Not to say a relationship completes a person, but as time passes, I feel more and more abandoned on this long road of singledom.

But occasionally, while on this road, I come across men and women who, like Flynn mentions above "have truly made peace with their single lot." These are my people. Or at least the people that I like to be around. The people I like to take advice from. They've learned how to exist in the world for other purposes besides loving for marriage and babies and growing old with one person. These people are way more entertaining than I am. People like my seventeen year-old sister who has no problems or complaints with going to her Junior prom stag. People like my close alone...forever friend who stresses the importance of her career over finding a mate. People like my old classmate Jackie, who tells me every time I ask about her relationship status, "girl, even when I'm not single, I'm single."

I'm not into settling but I have yet to find the comfort in being single. Given time I know I'll overcome this obstacle and look back on these posts and vomit over my patheticism.

But for now, it's safe to say that reflection, sharing, and waking up every morning to Thought Catalog articles and texts from close friends is what will eventually get me through this fear of being alone...forever.