Being the Cause of the Divide

I write about love, losing love, gaining love, and finding love a lot on this blog. I can't help it.  Within the past few weeks, love has been the only thing I've been able to fully question, critique and wonder about. I've been in love in the past and maybe I'm in love right now, but I can't know for sure because its been awhile since I've felt this way. So I think about love a lot; who I love and where love comes from. At this point in my life, I can't really be with someone or love someone like I'd like to. My future is just too much in control of my decisions and I'm okay with that. But, what this means is that I have to let a lot of love go. I have to tell the people I love I can't actively love them like they want me to, but that I will "always" love them. Sounds cliche like most things I write about, but it's sadly true. I will always love them.

I've found that the people I've loved in the past always remain in my mind as a pleasant memory, a gifted thought and a sore resolution. Nothing tactile, but knowing they can still exist somewhere within me is something I've learned to settle for.

Like the Shins verse, "love is such a delicate thing that we do, with nothing to prove."

But this post isn't about loving or losing love, but being the cause of the divide. The reason why two people don't love each other anymore.

Early in October, I met someone that made me the happiest person in the world. We spent hours talking, laughing, and (in my mind) caring about each other. After a few weeks of being with this person, I found out they were actually in a more serious relationship with someone else and that our time spent together had caused the two people to break-up. Sounds typical and I bet this scenario has happened to everyone once in their lifetime, but with me, I had never been the person to cause the split. I was always the one on the receiving end, who wrote angry messages and depressing poems. The person who felt walked on, abused, and overlooked. The person who took months to get over the love that was lost.

What happened between these two people, I'll never know for sure. He shared with me the details he felt comfortable with and I caught up with her thoughts on Twitter and tried my best to apologize. It's March now and the person I met in October still holds a huge piece of my heart, but every now and then I get sick to my stomach thinking of the person I hurt the most...the girl he was once with. I probably did not leave her alone...forever (she's beautiful and beautiful girls don't stay lonely for long), but I know I fueled nights of heartache...and I don't feel proud about this at all.

Love is not always tactile, but the results can almost always be seen. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever been in my position; has ever questioned how their actions may have been the cause of something, the loss of something that at one point...was great. Within time (like most things), I know I'll forgive myself but for now I still wait for that moment when this all catches up to me, that punch in the face, that bruise that just never goes away, that bus that turns my head around...

I've come across sayings and lyrics that talk about how proud a girl is about stealing another girl's man. It's all about boosting self-confidence, no doubt, but I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with those actions and the result of those games. I know it's just like "survival of the fittest" and you have to fight for what you want, but maybe I'm just meant to be alone...forever if love is a competition.

If there can be a conclusion to anything I have written, it's that I'm sorry. That I've never at any point enjoyed being the cause of the divide. The reason why someone ends up alone...forever, whether temporarily or permanent.