"Learning To Be With Someone After You Just Figured Out How To Be Alone"

Thought Catalog knows me and seems to grow with me. Its been forever since I've posted. I've been so content in my new life, my new relationship. I think this article sums up the sense of growth, I feel, has occurred in my life. No matter the change, I feel slight hesitation that often ends in a lack of regret. There's fear, because there is always fear, but after what I've experienced, I know that being alone...forever is nothing to worry about and nothing to see as an inevitable end.

There is nothing like being cared about to make you start caring about yourself again.

My current status

We’re together. Or we’re not. 

Or maybe we’ll get together. 

Or maybe we’re somewhere in between. 

I like you. 

I think about you constantly.

Music Remedy: "Lonesome" by Dr. Dog

Months without writing and I return gracefully with Dr. Dog's "Lonesome." For all my lonesome souls and half-hearted lovers, this is for you. I'm back, folks. Watch out. Full force ahead.

Leave This, Read That: "Trying To Figure Out What's Important" by Ryan O'Connell

I've been gone for awhile. For good reason. My grandmother is in town. My best friend is out of town. My thoughts are still untangling themselves. I've fallen in love (twice) in the past week to people that can't, just can't. I got a job. I'm planning my life. My new house will have a closet that is organized and fresh flowers. I'm sounding crazy.

On a recent trip to Chicago, two very close friends of mine, who had not seen me in awhile approached me, "do you really have a blog called 'Alone...Forever'"? Yes, yes I do. I doubt they've had the opportunity to read any of this, because if they did, maybe they would understand what I need/want (?) them to understand.

So, leave this and read that. 'That' being a post by Ryan O'Connell on Thought Catalog, as O'Connell puts it "Share yourself with everyone and you’ll find yourself feeling connected to no one."

Music Remedy: "Pictures of You" by The Cure

A decade ago, my alone...forever friend and I (yes, we've known each other for a wonderful ten lonesome years) burned a photograph of a recent unrequited love. At the time, we probably said something cheesy to each other like, "don't worry, when we're 21 everything is going to be so much better." Today, we did the same thing. Different unrequited loves this time. We set fire to their images like sage to a new room. I don't know how much sadness got released, but I do know that looking at the image of the person I used to love and care about was (of course), heartbreaking. Who knows, maybe in another decade I'll be burning another image of another person I used to love. But, to be clear, I don't find any of this sad. The getting there, the experience and the feeling of togetherness are worth the dramatics and all the trauma that comes with heartbreak.

So, here's to looking at you.

Leave This, Read That: "How To Be Forever Alone in 8 Easy Steps" by Chelsea Fagan

"How To Be Forever Alone in 8 Easy Steps" by Chelsea Fagan.

I really don't need to write a response to this link. All I have to say is, who from Thought Catalog stumbled upon this blog and stole my mind? 

I mean...come on...

Step 6. Eschew any actual conversation for obscure blog entries, tweets, and status updates. 

Have a problem that needs to be addressed? Still have feelings for someone who used to be a big part of your life? Want to let a new prospect know that you may be interested in them? Talking to people is hard, and it might not go the way you want. It’s much better to just write something along the lines of “Some people really need to grow up,” “And if I could only stop thinking about you,” or “Where are we even going anymore?” It’s cleaner, simpler, and clearly gets the point across. Writing blogs like that are like lasers, guaranteed to shoot across the internet and into the eyes of the person you’re secretly trying to address. Just imagine when they stumble across your cryptic words, imagine the shame and urgency to respond they’ll feel when confronted with a few vague lines that may or may not have something to do with that argument that transpired a few weeks ago. It’s the internet equivalent of a cold slap in the face, and you should settle for nothing less.

YouTube Remedy: "I'm Gonna Die Alone..." from New Girl

My friend posted on her Tumblr a .gif of the above clip. As a caption she wrote that the clip was basically me every time I came to her about my love-problems. It is true. I'm very melodramatic. I've posted about this show before and maybe the clip explains why. Anyways, here's to you alone...forevers.

Music Remedy: "Love Me or Leave Me" by Nina Simone

In remembrance of Nina Simone, who passed away on April 21st, 2003. 

"Love me or leave me and let me be lonely

You won't believe me but I love you only

I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing

Night time is my time for just reminiscing

Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

There'll be no one unless that someone is you

I intended to be independently blue 

I want you love, don't wanna borrow

Have it today to give back tomorrow

Your love is my love

There's no love for nobody else

Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely

You won't believe me but I love you only

I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing

Night time is my time for just reminiscing

Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

There'll be no one unless that someone is you

I intended to be independently blue 

Say I want your love, don't wanna borrow

Have it today to give back tomorrow

Your love is my love

My love is your love

There's no love for nobody else"

I normally don't post all of the lyrics, but come on, isn't this just amazing? Watching her perform the piece might just be in itself a remedy from Nicki Minaj's "Starships." But, out of all the Nina Simone songs, this one is the one I can say proudly fits how I've been feeling the past few days. I hope the song in some way works for you and that we've all used this precious internet time to remember the lovely, Nina Simone.

Music Remedy: "Good As New" - Vacationer

Last night, I cried my eyes out seeing The Naked and Famous. When they performed "No Way" (see this post if you've already forgotten), I almost lost it. But, I didn't because being at a concert and being surrounded by people who love the same music and songs that you do is kind've amazing (minus the girl behind me who thought she had a microphone and wanted to shout all the lyrics right into my ear). Besides how amazing the concert was, I also got to see a band I've never heard of before, Vacationer. Their album, Gone is an easy listen and you can find it on Spotify! Hallelujah holla-back. Their song, "Good as New" is a song that remedies all remedies. When you finally get to that point. That point of recovery, realization and (one more 're') recognition --- take a listen to this track...it will be sure to bring you into a good-mood-state-of-being.

Loving and Ease

I don't know what to write anymore. Something will come to me, I know it. But for now, being alone and the realities that come with it, aren't so scary anymore. The people in my life seem happy and the people I love/loved seem content. And besides my own happiness, that's all that matters.

I don't think there's any cure for the lonely soul. I'm still (happily) alone...forever. Saying "I don't mind it" is stupid, love and loving are great but only when the time is right. There may not be a cure, but I do believe that there are remedies a person can do to help overcome whatever state of forgotten they may feel. At least, I've realized my own agency. I'm aware of my loneliness but I'm also aware that there's no reason to fear being alone.

As for this, I can only offer up what I know and what I've learned. As of now, I've learned that being alone...forever has allowed me to learn more about myself and who I am as a lonely human being. A good friend once recommended that when alone, not to focus on who doesn't love me, but who does. Recall the things you love and why you love them. And I think that's it. I think that's what has made this easy. I think that's why I can't write anymore, because I'm no longer infatuated with this idea of overcoming my loneliness. Instead, my heart resides elsewhere, in the million different places, things and people I chose to love.

(and here I go...)

I love everyone that I've loved. I love writing that word out. I love learning, keeping my mind stimulated and hoping. I love reading goofy and serious blogs. Listening to Radiolab when I'm alone. I love talking to my good alone...forever friend about her day and listening to her stories, whether serious or gossip-y. I love missing people and realizing their okay. I love knowing. How you are and how you've been. I enjoy dancing but don't love when people can't dance with me. I love drinking; Franzia with my parents and whiskey with my friends. I love the cities I've lived in and the places that have held me. I love the gym, my yoga pants and the Calvin Harris Pandora station I pump iron to. I love knowing I'm okay and that things may or may not work out right away. I love that I can't get enough of openly pouring my heart out over the Internet. And I'm okay with that. I'm truly okay.

Happy Sunday, folks.

Music Remedy: "Take Care" by Tom Rosenthal

"Take Care" by Tom Rosenthal.

Take care of all the lonely souls and love will hold you.


That moment. This song is for that moment.

Leave This, Read That: "The Thing About All These New TV Shows About Girls"

I read "The Thing About All These TV New TV Shows About Girls" by Caitlin Abber this morning because I'm addicted to the show "New Girl" and (sadly) Zooey Deschanel's character. I shouldn't be, because I hate everything she does. It's too quirky. Too "I'm so cool." But her character on the show is a somewhat alone...forever type...which is the main reason why I think I'm drawn to the show. She's a mirror image of how I see myself and my alone...forever friends. She has a goofy set of friends that support her through all her mistakes and mix-ups. She desperately tries to forge a connection with men, but fails. Her inherent weirdness (uniqueness?) always keeps the people around her a little bit distant, confused, and at times, curious. She tries to bring people together, make people happy, while also searching for her own fruitless connections. She always means well. Which is what all of us alone...forevers try to do.

But besides my infatuation with television shows starring girls, what I found important about this read is that Abber goes into the new era of girls on the internet. We might not think we're any different than our 12 year-old selves discovering internet for the first time but in 2012 girls are quite different than they were in the early 2000s. There's no Xanga or Myspace, just girls using social media outlets as...well...outlets. Girls who blog. Girls who Tumblr. Pintrest. Tweet. Facebook-status- update. Girls who let you know what it's like to be uniquely themselves. Girls who argue. Who cry. Who let you know when they're happy. Who let you know when they're sad, brokenhearted or angry. I always hear my friends complaining "so-and-so is TMI on the Twitter." And as much as I want to agree, I know I'm right there with them. But...who cares. If I'm unfortunate enough to not see you everyday, I'd like you to know that sometimes things are not all right and that sometimes things are amazing. It's better to know someone in person, through conversation, but most of us just don't have the time in the day anymore (sadly). I feel connected with half of the people I call "girlfriends" simply by their Tumblrs and their Twitters. I learn from them. And I hope they learn (somehow through someway) from me...whether it be through this blog or my dramatic accounts of love being lost on Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr. I thank God when people are TMI on Twitter or Tumblr because it helps me realize that I'm not alone...forever in any of my experiences. That there are people who are right there with me, physically distant but socially close. People begrudge the TMI-ing on social media outlets because they wish they were brave enough to admit themselves to an emotional connection via the internet.

Anyways, here are two parts I thoroughly enjoyed. If you have some time, leave this and read that.

"Which is why if there was ever a time to start a blog or a YouTube channel about your clothes, your apartment, the things that piss you off, the career you are pursuing, or what acne treatment you are using and how you are 27 and love Justin Beiber, that time is now. So many of us consider ourselves writers (and/or bloggers) because we have a need to tell our stories that goes beyond what can easily be assumed of us. We may not be snowflakes, but we are all very different. The one thing we certainly have in common is how much we enjoy learning about each other."

Abber writes on...

"As much as we might feel attacked for not being the ideal upwardly-mobile young person, or for not being what the majority of society considers physically or morally acceptable for our demographic, or for blogging about our personal lives to begin with, we must remember that with every confession and truth we share about what it is like to be us, we are doing something great...And for that, we should all be very proud."

Read and carry on...

Love's Labors Lost

When you're alone...forever, chances are like handouts. Second chances. Third chances. Twentieth-chances. The person doesn't always have to say it. "Can I have another chance?" But the question is still there and you still engage in the opportunity, the possibility of what another chance might bring. I'm not saying when you're alone...forever you have no backbone. Of course not. You have the strongest backbone. You're backbone is there but you're just more open to the benefit of the doubt. 

The benefit of the doubt can be seen in any text message between alone...forevers and that "somebody." The somebody who you're trying to forget, the somebody that made you alone, the somebody who still tickles your heartstrings even though the simple thought of them makes you want to gag. Whenever I or any of my alone...forever friends receives "that" text message, you know the one that's simple, nonchalant, but COMPLETELY devastating, the "hey" or the "I miss you" or the "what are you all doing tonight?"... all hell breaks loose. On the outside, we disgustingly say "oh my god, guess who just texted me?" and in response, all alone...forevers nearby say "oh you have got to be kidding me, ignore it (or delete it)." But then THE thought creeps in. The thought of chances. The thought of "well...maybe..." and then you convince yourself to "go with your gut," to stop listening to the people around you and to respond back damnit before they forget they ever texted you. 

Then, (as with most cases I've experienced) the conversation continues for a short while. You milk your insecurities and doubts that you've ever had for this person. You come around. You're thinking that they're coming around. You're glad that chances exist. That you're the fucking Mother Theresa of chances. 

And then it stops.

The conversation ends just as quickly as you expected.

Love's labors found and then lost.

At this point, you decide, you're done. But you come around in a few days. Or, you know he/she will come around in a few days. They'll text you again. You'll respond. It's a cycle of text-message bullshit that eventually leads to...something. I don't know because I'm stuck in the cycle right now. It's like being in a horrible modern-day Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode.

I give in so easily to the idea of chances. The idea of you surprising me. The idea of whatever is holding you back to finally let you go. I keep thinking that given enough chances and this will all be over. But if there is any resolution I can see from all this painstaking-heartache-delivered-through-text messaging, it's that chances eventually wear you down."Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go."  Eventually you realize that all your laboring of love has left you empty. You're without in the best and worst way. You no longer have that person but you also no longer have the pain of waiting to hear from them.

Music Remedy: "Blindsided" by Bon Iver

I've been painfully ill for the past week. On a pain scale of 1-10, I'm on 10 with the pain increasing every day. I can't speak, sleep, or eat. Pretty awesome. Not like you need to know any of this. But, when you're sick, you spend a lot of time alone and in your own head...especially when you can't speak. So I've been watching every movie made from 2010 until now and listening to music to calm my nerves. Being sick is a huge unwanted alone...forever moment but as with all things, I try to find the beauty in what's painful. I guess the beauty in being really, really, really sick is being able to have time to listen to music I've neglected for awhile. This is a good one. Specifically for long drives alone on a warm day. But all Bon Iver is good for the lonely soul.

Half of a Waffle

(I think we all saw this one coming)

I didn't think I would ever write about this.

I just thought I would keep it to myself.

But, now, during a difficult time in my life, I'm seeing that this may be one of the more appropriate things I ever write about.

The other night, after spending hours in a coffeeshop with my alone...forever friend, I remember telling them that "we're alone...forever but we're actually not alone."

We're not actually alone.

Meaning, in the solitude that is "being single," there's some company. I often catch myself dwelling on the hours, days and months I spend without someone, without hearing their voice, without knowing them. I lose sight of the value of the hours, days and months I am able to spend with other people. The truth is, when I am with my alone...forever friend (s), I'm disconnected from the pains and worries that complicate my thoughts. My alone...forever friend (s) make me laugh, they bring everything into perspective, they listen to my stories and respond with solutions or sometimes they don't, sometimes it's just empathy, but they're there, when oftentimes you're not.

I am alone...forever but I don't see myself as lonely as I used to be. I've allowed myself to be more honest with the people around me, I've opened up to my alone...forever friends about my fears of loneliness, heartbreak and loss. As a result, they've done the same in return and we've been able to (sappily) learn from each other. Of course, learning doesn't always mean change. We still make the same mistakes. We still text when we know we shouldn't. We still make trips when we know they won't end well and we still wake up every morning with a hope that maybe things will be different for one of us.

If I truly felt like I was in this alone, my head might explode. I know someday, somewhere, I might actually be alone...forever...with no one to joke around with, no one to listen to me whine and complain. But for now, I'll bask in my alone...forever friendships. I'll build up my self-esteem through our alone...forever sighs, our "why does this happen to me?" screams, and the nights when everything, for once, doesn't matter. The nights when we're okay being alone...forever because we (I might've stolen this from an episode of Barney or something) have each other, like two halves of a Belgian waffle (that reference is gonna go over so many people's heads, but that was a shoutout to my alone..forever friend who likes to split Belgian waffles after late night outings).

Music Remedy: "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons

I heard "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons, yesterday morning, when my bus was carrying me from Chicago to home. In the wake of heartache, loss, and trying to find understanding within a larger picture, this song rattles every emotion I'm currently experiencing. Specifically the first verse "How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes."

Enjoy.

I'M TRYING TO NOT SEE US THERE TOGETHER

(This headline comes from a line in a poem written by a close friend. The verse has stuck with me since I first read the piece a week ago.)

You will never see the gates that exist between MDW and SDF. The gates that lead you to me, the gates that carry you where you should be, where I need you to be. At the few times I'm not with my family, friends, or my dogs, I'm curled up on my bed, at a sofa on a coffee shop, moving slowly in my mom's car...I'm always thinking and carrying on leftover memories, thoughts, and conversations that have yet to happen.

But mostly, I'm trying my hardest not to see us there together.

I'm trying not to see you in the summertime, sunburnt and sweaty. Trying not to picture what your mother is like and the conversations we would've held, the things we would've disagreed on and the complaints I would've hidden about her beliefs, her cooking. I'm trying not to see you at your best, when you're most comfortable, when the timing is just right. I'm trying. I'm trying not to imagine what you would've ordered at this restaurant I've been wanting to try. The joke you would've weaseled into our conversation and the long story that keeps you from your meal. I'm trying not to. I'm trying not to know what you would've said when I was upset...when the world decides to dissatisfy me, when I can't...when I just can't. I'm trying not to see us there. Together. I'm trying not to picture us together. I'm trying not to see us in the million different "theres" I wish we could be.

...

There's a silent satisfaction you have to take in when you realize that given certain circumstances, you have to be alone...forever. I'm fortunate enough to have experienced "togetherness" with a few great people. The time I spent with them is a remix that blends together the beauty of what has happened, what has yet, and what might never happen. When I feel the most alone, I'm comforted by these memories. The ones of sunny days, long walks and cool breezes. The ones of accompaniment, silence,  and understanding.

But it's difficult to focus on only the memories. Trying not to imagine what could've been is strange. It has always been nice. I've always had the time and capability to think about possibilities. But now I can't. I have to be alone...forever. The solitude keeps me away from you but not from the thoughts of you and me in my most favorite state-of-being: together.

The images of us together replay in my mind. They are a gift and I'm thankful. But I still try not to see us there together. There, specifically where I wish I was now. Where I wish you were now, with me. The time I spend alone, whether with family, at a coffee shop, or driving only invites ideas of what it was like being together with you, alone. Together...alone in a world with just who I want to be with...a feeling separate of how I feel without you which is (have you guessed it?)...alone...forever.

Music Remedy: "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

"It's a quarter after one/I'm all alone/And I need you now." I shouldn't have to say more, but I will. To be honest, I really only like this song for the lyric above and the following..."'Nother shot of whiskey/Can't stop lookin' at the door" Both verses kinda describe my fun-filled Saturday nights...emotional realization of being alone and a shot to accompany the pain. This song is also another good one to blast in the car, alone or with a few other alone...forever friends. Don't be one of those losers who say they hate country. You know this song strikes a few chords in your heart.

3 AM Heartbreak: Why I Can't Love You During the Age of Social Media

I can't love you now. And I bet I could, too. That's the sad part.

It's just...social media.

Social media has truly killed any sortve hope I had for us.

Before it was just my friends...with the "he did this" "he said that" shit. Now, it's me see seeing what you did (Facebook, Instagram) and what you said (Twitter) to whomever it might be shit. I don't know if I can take it, to be honest.

I don't want to be alone...forever, but I think I might be as long as you and I are both connected through social media. I can't stand it. I can't stand your goddamn status updates, your tweets, who you're tweeting to, where you're checking into, what photograph you're Instagram-ing, who liked your picture, who liked your status, who likes you?...all of this is way too much. Beyond my control. It's driving me crazy. I can't love you.

I can't love you during the age of social media.

Maybe in a few years, when I can read your mind. When Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Foursquare and Pintrest and all those goddamn sites get removed. Maybe when the pretty girls with pretty avatars, sexy Twitpics and a million followers cease to exist. Maybe then. Maybe then I can love you like I want to love you.

But right now I can't.

Right now, I'll be alone...forever until I can get a better grasp on my social media controls. Until I can pose sexually (sex-ily?) for Instagram photos. Until my check-ins are satisfactory. Until my status updates make you piss your pants and call me crying. Until you realize that every Tumblr post is a post dedicated to you. Until social media is no longer the age we live in.

That's when I think I can love you. But I can't love you now.

Music Remedy: "She Don't Wanna Man" - Curren$y

Lets be clear, I'm alone...forever but I don't need a man. Or thirsty men who think my alone...forever status makes me susceptible to anyone. I think this song gets me.